i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
