I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
