Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize