why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
