the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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