Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
