Non-Jews are for practice
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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