i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
