I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
