Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
MIDGETS
????
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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