so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
