I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You pole danced in your parka.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
