Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
