Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
