would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
