Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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