i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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