She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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