Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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