I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
