Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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