a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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