I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
