I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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