Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
