I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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