The brown eye won't let me do that either.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
