Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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