I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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