just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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