You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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