I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
