She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
