my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
