I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Of course I have a pirate flag
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
