dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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