Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
