Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
