May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
