Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
