I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
