Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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