the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
