he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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