I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
