Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
