I wanna passion pit in your ass
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize