11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
