Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Two words: blizzard sex
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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