My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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