ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
