I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
