I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
