Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Did I show you my penis last night?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize