Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize