im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
