There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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