haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
